Basically, its a law of the universe that at any given moment, some betch somewhere is downing some variety of wineyoure likely doing it right now. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they consume their alcohol, so heres what your fave wine says about you.
If your favorite wine is a sparkling one, “youre supposed to” don’t really like wine all that much and would rather be drinking a vodka soda( wouldn’t we all ?). Irregardless, you’re a laid back person who doesn’t care that much about semantics and refers to all sparkling wines as Champagneor at least, you better be for the purpose of this list, or else you’re merely fucking obnoxious. Someone who only drinks wine with carbonation is the type who pretends they’re classy even when their life is an obvious develop wrecklike when you throw up in the back of your Uber but it’s totally fine because you only got it on you and not any of the passengers or the driver’s back seat. You may post “poppin’ bottles” Insta narratives, but we all know you were popping Andr. “Sophisticated with a hint of slutty” is your favorite Leslie Knope quote, as well as how most people would describe you.
Summer is your favorite season, and youre either a novice drinker or have the various kinds of sweet tooth that’s led to way too many drunken Oreo binges. Either way, you have yet to figure out your restrictions, so youre always the one to get style too drunk too fast and get carried out of the bar by your friends who can actually handle their alcohol. But whatever youre the life of the party before then, so people don’t hate you all that much for now. Just don’t expect the goodwill to last forever.
You always talking here get out and find the world, but you never actually do because youre a bit of a homebody. Perhaps when you graduate youll get out to it.
You dont like to make waves, and while youre not shy, you can usually be found getting drunk with your BFF in the corner at parties. You love fitness almost as much as you love wine and judging people, which is partly why youve stuck with pinot g. for so longits a totally acceptable day drink, so you can sleep before your half-marathon in the AM.( Ugh .) Honestly, you can be a little insufferable, but your six-pack is super impressive.
Subtlety isnt a Chardonnay drinkers strong point. You know what you like, and you stick to it. Among your friends, youre known for having a dry sense of humor. Sometimes, people say it’s a little too dry, but whatever, youre confident enough to know anyone who cant take pester isnt worth your time. Besides, you’d suppose people would want to know when they’re having a bad hair day. You work in, like, finance or something, and you fully expect to own a house in the Hamptons one day.
If your favorite wine is pink, you walk the line between nicegirl and betch with care. Every Saturday night, you can be found building regrettable decisions in a series of shitty bars, and every Sunday morning, youre arranging brunch, rain or shine, because you believe day drinking is the best cure for a hangover.( Duh .) You watch religiously and pretend not to be as invested as you are. You like to think youre unpredictable, but actually, you simply hate making decisionseven between red and white wine. Good thing were entering ros season, when it’s socially acceptable to be tipsy at all times. Just try not to let the cumulative hangover kill you in September.
You started drinking red wine because whether you like to admit it or not, you judge the shit out of white wine drinkers. The only problem is you cant bring yourself to buy the dry, bitter stuff, so when you detected you like pinot noir, you stuck to it. Youre a secret romantic with an account on every dating app, and you’re always complaining about the dating scene in whatever city you live in. A word of advice: Stop doing that.
You like to tell people youre low-key, but youre less responsible than you let on.( TG, because responsibility is bearing .) After youve drunk an entire bottle of the pinot you brought to the pregame, youre the one doing shoots and rallying the troops. Then you choose youre never drinking again and expend the next weekend going on frustrating Tinder dates and watching Netflix until you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Youre one of those people others describe as headstrong. You maintained a bottle of hot sauce in your bag before Beyonc induced it cool, and youre down to try pretty much whatever. Acknowledge it: Youve believed YOLO unironically before doing something stupid like drinking the vodka some dude offered you in a parking lot.
You list “world traveler” on your Instagram bio, and you love satisfying new people you can force to listen to your many stories. People tend to like you at first, but youve also been told to STFU about your exotic vacation because its all you talk about. Youll settle down when you feel like it and not a moment before.
You come from moneyyouve been knocking back wine since your mom started turning a blind eye at fancy family parties, so a cabs dry bitterness doesnt bother you. You like to take charge and go for what you want; if life were a reality show, youd be the one who isnt there to make friends.( You also tend to speak in clichs .) TBH youre pretty judgmental, but youre not terrible to be around once you decide to like someone. Even when blackout, youre more likely to carry a Riesling drinker out of the bar than be carried out yourself. After all, you have appearances to maintain.
Is it too meta to propose a toast to wine use a glass of wine? Whatever, Ill drink to it anyway.
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