Road-testing this year’s Oscars goodie suitcase!( The loo roll and armpit napkins)

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After writing about this years Oscars goodie bag, which includes a vampire breast lift and a journey to Japan, Stuart Heritage was thrilled to be sent some of the contents. Here, he tries out the glamorous items he received

My access to this years 177, 000 Oscars gift pouch was restriction. I didnt get to go on the 15 -day walking tour of Japan , nor did I receive the year of unlimited Audi rentals. I didnt have any personal training sessions or vampire breast lifts. The 50 vodka never induced it to me , nor the 33 water bottle.

But I did receive a box of fancy bogroll and some sort of armpit nappies. Ive tested both products for you, all in the name of investigative journalism.

Dandi antiperspirant patch( 15)

The Dandi patch is a thin Elastoplast that assimilates your sweat for up to eight hours. And, to be fair, this is something Im in desperate need of. I sweat chronically. When its warm, I sweat. When I exercise, I sweat. When Im nervous, I sweat.

The Dandi patch was specifically designed for armpits but, if they ran, I quite fancied the idea of using them to cover my face, back and crotch in the humid summer months.

No

However, the Dandi patch has a catch. For them to work properly, your armpits must be entirely hairless, which mine havent been for about 25 years. This required half an hour of careful shaving, followed by the swift realisation that my bare armpits are obscene. Obscene.

They look like a cross between a baby animal and a pile of discarded foreskins. Which, at the least, “ve given me” plenty of impetus to cover them up with Dandi patches.

The patches themselves applied like a sticking plaster are fiddly to get on , not least because you have to do it in a mirror, and sometimes you accidentally induce eye linked with yourself, at which point your reflection verbally grumbles you for having such a stupid chore. They tug at your skin a little while theyre on, too.

But they do work. By the end of the trial, my cavities were as fresh and dry as a pile of royal linen. The patches would easily catch enough sweat to mask the exertion of assaulting an overzealous TMZ photographer, which is something the -Alisters would surely appreciate.

However , now I have to put up with several months of itchy regrowth. If you meet me at any point between now and August, please know that Im merely behaving this style because my armpit husk has conspired to kill me.

Josephs Toiletries Original Box( 39 )

Box

Now, this really is the epitome of luxury. This is exactly how the other half lives. Short of killing a swan and scratching your hobo on its back whenever you need the lavatory, “its about” as lavish as intimate hygiene get. According to the manufacturers, the paper itself is specially woven and vitamin-coated, but thats not why people utilize this. No, they use it for the accoutrements it comes packaged with; the aforementioned Swiss glacier water spritzer and a pro-vitamin B5 detoxifying moisturiser that you add to the sheets as necessary.

Its all very swish and profoundly Goopy but heres where the product falls down. Ideally, to give your bottom the full celebrity treatment, youd want a wet wipe, then a dry wipe, then a quick moisturise. Thats a three-sheet process, and you merely get 25 sheets in a box. And this is a calculation based on normal stool sizing, by the way. If youve simply had a big greasy lunch of cheese and fried chicken, keep forgetting it. You could plough through an entire box without a second thought. Imagine Leonardo DiCaprio reaching down to wipe his bottom next week, and realising that hed already blown his stocks on that celebratory post-Oscars snack of Weetabix, sweetcorn and rancid milk curds. Hed be furious. Wed never hear the end of it.

Also, I dont want to be too specific here, but this stuff is so cushioned that it requires careful negotiation between hand and matter. Im a ruffian from the wrong side of the ways, unaccustomed to the fine art of hoity-toity lavatory etiquette, so Im used to ridding myself of muck with the blunt force-out trauma of two-ply Andrex. If I attempted the same tactic with this as I did with that, itd be like icing a cake with a trowel. Itd be like trying to spread chutney on fresh-baked bread with a paint roller. Itd be far more difficulty than it was worth.

Stuart

In fact, on more than one occasion, I saw myself grabbing my cheapo supermarket newspaper to make sure Id got everything. All the superficial airs and graces of the -Alist had been handed to me on a plate, but I still couldnt deny my own grubby credentials. This must be exactly how Matthew McConaughey feels.

In summary, neither of these products were a total success, but this is still the closest Ill ever come to feeling like an Oscar-winner. Until I get a Pulitzer for this piece, of course, which seems somewhat inevitable.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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