Bridget Trump’s Diary: I went to the Women’s March and it was v overrated. Sad!

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Note from the Editor: You’ve no doubt already heard about the political parody Bridget Trump? The love child of Donald Trump and Bridget Jones has been constructing people laughter with her parody Twitter account filled with pithy statements that are remarkably similar to some tycoon turned POTUS .

The brainchild of British comic Tiff Stevenson, Bridget Trump, is plainly very, very busy and very, very important. Bridget Trump took a violate from tweeting to attend the inauguration and the Women’s March over the weekend. Miraculously, she also managed to squeeze in a diary entry. Here’s how it ran :

Bridget Trump’s Diary, London, Saturday 21 st January 2017

Calories 4,000( post inauguration )

Times I avoided eye linked with Nigel Farage last night 67

09.00 AM

I woke up feeling great about yesterday’s inauguration, although I can’t believe that Hillary indicated up and wore white on MY BIG DAY. Also Kellyanne( best friend) turned up looks a lot like she was about to lead the marching band. I think the vile media has sent her quite mad. By the time Pence was sworn in I was absolutely ravished( not in a good way) as all I had eaten was half a packet of wheat crunchies.

Pence was sworn in …. must be what it feels like to be a bridesmaid. The choir were as AWFUL as those carol vocalists that show up yearly at mum and daddies …. was sorely seduced to tell them to bugger off! However I maintained a cool, dignified stance.

FINALLY I was sworn in. I was v nervous about it. Lots of business-y words like SOLEMNLY; CONSTITUTION. I* think* the latter is about regular bowel movement….So now am no longer saddo PEOTUS but fully fledged independent POTUS !!! In charge of myself AND the nuclear codes. I Bridget Trump was feeling good

However…..It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of their own lives starts running okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.Found out this morning via the vile media that some females are marching to protest my new top undertaking. Well … apparently they are also marching against the oppression of women worldwide blah blah … but I chose to ignore that.

My first reaction was to call my friend Piers in inundations of tears. He said he would tell those nasty females what for and arrange a march for men. What about men’s rights? Why won’t person think of them? I think of them the working day long because they are dreamy. Hmmmmm.

Now, after sexuality, the best kind of exercising is walking! Walking is tremendous! On good days I like to stride across Westminster Bridge or up 5th boulevard. Feel the wind in my hair( it’s definitely MY hair) and shake off the rust.

11. 45 AM

I decided to sneak in to the march if merely to burn calories. Not because I care about what any of these awful people think. The plan was to remove at least 2 inches from thigh circumference.Upon arrived here the march, I was shocked to assure placards taunting my hair, my skin toneand my absence of political experience.

Feel very blue about the whole thing. There were so many people there. But not more than the inauguration and surely not more than the TV viewing figures of the inauguration !!! I don’t want that FAKE NEWS getting out there.

All kinds over OVERRATED females were there. Stand-up comedians like Sandi Toksvig, Tiff Stevenson, Sara Pascoe; Sarah Kendall. These females tell jokes for a living why don’t they concentrate on real things like Miss Universe competitors? Ugh.

Very RUDE actresses like Sharon Horgan, Amanda Abingdonand Rebecca Hall. Nasty women indeed. Female legislators like Yvette Cooper; Stella Creasy. Ugh Even some men, I spotted Peter Capaldi, John C Reilly, Ian McKellen, Sadiq Khan and the worst by far …. the writer of that left wing hit undertaking musical Lin Manuel Miranda himself.

Why? Oh why does everyone abhor me? I’m destined to succumb alone and be found three weeks later half eaten by Alsatians. They should all apologise instantly !!!!!

At one point I couldn’t stroll anymore so someone carried me. There ran my weight loss plan!

I’m 1,000% certain that 1,000, 000% of people on that march think I am national laughing stock with a bottom the size of Brazil.

Miles walked 1.5

Pussies grabbed 0( v vexing ) Calories devoured 800( 4 packets of M& M’s )

Amount of people there who I could consider a special relationship with 0

Tiff Stevenson( a.k.a. Bridget Trump) is on tour from now until May 5, including two demonstrates at Londons Bloomsbury Theatre on Feb. 24 and 25. More information: http :// tiffstevenson.co.uk

BONUS: Yes, Trump watched the Women’s Marches, and yes, he tweeted about it

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